Inspired by Alanis

I was just thinking of the men who've made a difference in my life. Alanis has a song called "Unsent". That seems like it would be kind of healthy.

Dear Robert,

You were the first guy I fell for. We both worked in the theatre, which was my love at the time. You seduced me while we were building the set for "Personals"

It's kind of a shame that you had such a low opinion of yourself that you thought you had to lie to me. You needed a knight in shining armor, and I suppose I needed to be a knight in shining armor. I was just 18 and you were 21. You lied. So I suppose I'll leave it at that. I don't regret never having seen you again.

Dear (guy)

I know your name, but I don't want to embarrass you should anyone you know happen to read this. You somehow convinced me to sleep in the same bed with you when I decided that I didn't want to go home, and somehow I thought that would be safe. Well. It wasn't. We had a thing for a while. You caused me quite a scare when I found out you were HIV positive. I have been checked and checked over the 15 years since that happened and I'm negative. You didn't know, and we were always safe. Too bad we weren't each other's types.

Dear Shaun,

Oh God. You have caused me more pain than any human being on this planet and that's saying a lot. We loved each other for 3 years. You took the chicken way out then and then you took the chicken way out when you killed yourself. I'm pretty angry at you. But, at least, I don't blame myself for your death anymore. "It's easy to love someone who's dead. They make so few mistakes" -Torch Song Trilogy

Dear Keven,

Yeah, you were straight. Yeah, I had no business falling in love with you. But damn it, you said you loved me too. We had a weird relationship. I could have loved you forever, but the no sex thing was really wearing on me. I'm sorry about the pressure I kept putting on you. I just wanted to show you how much I cared for you. I was also pretty naive about the whole thing. You taught me a valuable lesson. DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRAIGHT BOY. You're married now and have kids. You were one of two men in my life that I truly loved, and I searched and searched for you after Shaun died. I had this insane desire to make sure you were ok. When I finally did find you, I poured my soul out to you in an email. You never responded. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable.

Dear Michael,

Whoah! You were a trip. The most beautiful man I've ever seen. How cool was it that you decided to have an affair with me. You weren't married, you were in fact recently divorced. You were also very intelligent. Pretty emotionally messed up tho. I had a crazy obsession with you. How could someone not? You really embodied everything I wanted in a man. You also taught me a lot of things. a. Don't get involved with crazy people b. Don't let yourself fall for a guy who doesn't give anything back in return. c. Those things I was attracted to in you are so exciting, but certainly not healthy. Strangely I think I may be becoming you.

To the others,

I am sorry I didn't include you here. You didn't effect me as strongly emotionally as those I mentioned did. Don't take it personally.

My personal coming out story

I have an assignment in my journalism class to write about what it means to be gay. I've certainly given it a lot of thought over the years. Perhaps I will start with my story:

I am the child of an alcoholic, broken home. I don't think that that has anything to do with my being gay, it just sets the stage for a pretty messed up childhood. I figured out that I was probably gay when I was about 13. I noticed that everyone else was having these huge sexual things for girls. My brother and the other guys I hung out with were all very turned on by pictures of naked women and they reacted in a way that I couldn't really relate to. It didn't bother me too much at the time. I really didn't think much about it.

My father received a porn advertisement in the mail. They used to do this. I don't think that they do so much anymore, since it's all available on the internet now. I checked the mail and secreted it away in my room. I checked it out and discovered that I was really turned on by the men. Again, I didn't really think much of it, I didn't have any sexual education and I figured everyone must be turned on by men and women or else porn wouldn't have both in it.

The rest of my teenage years were pretty much a blur, I don't remember much. I had a few encounters with a couple of guys, usually with the pretense of a game of truth-or-dare. As I got older, it really started to get to me. When I was 15 or 16 I got drunk while camping and confessed to my assembled friends that I thought I might be bisexual. They were pretty cool about it. One friend said, "As long as you stay away from me."

I accepted my "bisexuality," but I secretly knew that there was more to it. I was deeply concerned about what this meant for my life. I hoped that I would grow out of it. My brother told my sister, who was pretty pissed off about it. I don't remember her reaction, but I remember it being negative.

From that point, I pretty much tried to change it. I fought tooth and nail against my growing "perversion". I wasn't like other people and I didn't like it.

When I was 16 I met Angie. We started dating and eventually I moved in with her family. My home life had been pretty terrible. I was into drugs and drinking. My male parental figure was incredibly emotionally abusive. I was a good kid. My grades sucked because of the pot I smoked on a daily basis. I had no motivation to attend school because no one had ever bothered to explain to my why it was important. The change of residence was a huge step in the right direction in my life. I went from being a loser, sissy, nerd boy to being appreciated and respected for my abilities. Angie's mother was a great parent. She was fairly permissive, but with steadfast rules which were never to be broken. During the time I lived there, she allowed several unwanted teenagers to move into the little 3 bedroom trailer. Her heart was (and is) the size of a mountain. I became her leiutenant. I presided over family meetings and came to be respected as a provider, advice-giver, and decision maker in the household. My self-esteem flourished under these conditions.

My homosexuality was always on my mind, but I mentioned it to no one. Everyone I'd told about it in the past had been informed that it had just been a phase I'd been going through, which I was happily out of. "See, I have a girlfriend."

After about a year, with no sex in our relationship, Angie started to question whether or not I found her attractive. I was head over heels in love with her, but sexually...there was nothing. I told her that I was a traditional religious boy and that we'd wait for marriage to have sex. We went to church on a semi-regular basis, and I prayed that God would change me.

He didn't.

The pressure to have sex was increasing. Angie took it very personally and assumed that I didn't find her attractive. She was very jealous because she was worried that I'd find another girl who I found more attractive. I've never been one to do something that I didn't feel like doing, so I just didn't have sex with her.

Around that time, I confessed to a close friend, and member of the teenage tribe that had formed in the house, that I was bisexual. Which, of course, I wasn't, but I was completely unwilling to admit to myself that I was gay. She told me that I should tell Angie. After much heartache and drama, I did. The backlash was that now she was jealous of both men and women.

Our relationship lasted three years. The last several months were an emotional nightmare for me. I had to face the fact that I didn't find Angie, or any female for that matter, attractive. I got very depressed and contemplated and attempted suicide. I finally had to tell Angie that we were through. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to me. I loved Angie with all my heart and it tore my soul apart to let her go. People tend to discount this. They assume that because I was gay, that I didn't have the capability of loving a woman. These people are dead wrong.

Angie reacted by moving out of her mother's house. I was left there, living with her mother and her sister. I'd just come out to Angie, and now she was gone. Her mother and sister were confused about our breakup; we'd seemed so happy. I didn't have the courage to tell them. I was afraid they'd toss me out on my ear and I'd have to go back to living in undesireable condidtions with my family. I locked myself in my room for several days. (To be continued)